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Early Sunday Morning Thoughts
Posted:May 19, 2019 3:25 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2019 4:23 am
355 Views
Ahhh, the solitude of an early Sunday morning ....

I actually woke up a bit warm ... still sleeping with a micro-fleece blanket and a comforter on the bed because it's cool in the evening, but by morning, whew! So I am now enjoying the cool breeze coming in through my window at 6 a.m., along with my first coffee of the day. There are the sounds of the birds outside, and blessedly, no sounds yet of traffic passing by.

And the coffee is delicious.

Yesterday, I spent several hours tackling the remnants of last fall's leaves that always blow into my pool area. Winds coming from the west inevitably blow them into my pool enclosure and last fall, we were all surprised when snowfall came a bit earlier than we expected and many of us in this area weren't quite done with yard cleanup. I am too arthritic at this point to be hauling every pile of leaves from the raised pool area to the burn pile at the far end of my yard, so for the last few years, I've just piled them in a raised bed to compost.



There is ivy that creeps onto the west side of my pool and at least once, but usually twice a season I have to trim it all back. I can usually do the whole thing (about thirty feet) in one afternoon, but yesterday I settled for doing half. Crawling on concrete for that long is NOT good for a bad knee, not to mention the tendonitis and arthritis in my right arm.



I have not opened my pool for almost four years. In the two years prior to 2017, I hardly used it because the summer was so cool that swimming in that unheated water was too uncomfortable. In 2016, my health issues were intensifying and maintaining a pool was the last thing on my mind. In 2017, I had surgery in May, and was not strong enough in the summer to maintain the pool. Last year, well, I don't have a good excuse for last summer, except to say, suddenly the season had come and gone. Plus, the last year I had the pool open, the pressure in the vacuum/filter lines was getting bad, so I suspect there was a significant leak underground. So I have arranged for a pool company to come out and do a pressure test to give me their analysis. They may be able to re-rig the pipes to an above-ground system and with any luck, I can open the pool again this year, even if it might not be for the whole summer. With any luck, it will soon look like this picture taken a few years ago:



I could sure use the exercise of swimming, and oh the delights of cool water on a hot, muggy Michigan summer day!
14 Comments
Jumping to Conclusions, Expectations and What the Hell are We Doing Here?
Posted:May 9, 2019 5:39 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2019 7:44 pm
1681 Views

It never fails, we meet someone and feel a connection, or feel the 'chemistry' and immediately find ourselves being sucked into a whirlwind of emotions, hormonal responses and fantasies.

It's not just the stuff of teenage years ... it happens to us even as we age unless we are completely devoid of feelings.

We don't hear from the person for what seems an eternity and jump to the conclusion that we have been ghosted, or dumped, lied to or otherwise manipulated. Maybe that isn't the case at all.... maybe they actually have a LIFE outside of this place, lol!

Being on a site like Black Sex Match is really an exercise in managing expectations, don't you think? We want to meet people, whether for a one-time hookup, for a regular FWB relationship or perhaps even for something long-term. We soon find out that not everyone on here is ethical, courteous or even shares our goals. Or maybe we've just miscommunicated our intentions to them. Of course, the other person might be lying to us ... maybe they have led us on and we get our hearts stepped on when we discover their lies and deceptions. But just as often, we’ve jumped to conclusions about what our connections with people on here are and aren’t. Do we read too much into all of this stuff?

So the 'managing expectations' part is really the best thing we can do to protect our feelings as well as not put too much pressure on anyone to fulfill all of our needs.

Have we been clear about what we are looking for, or have we held back? I know that a of people on this site, mainly men, are super-critical of women who are looking for long-term or romantic relationships. Not only super-critical, but openly hostile about it. I usually tell men I a.m. here just for the IMs and the blogs and I search for my long-term relationship options elsewhere. I have yet to meet anyone here who wants to connect with me long-term and I don’t want to get into a debate with them about how they think I’m being unrealistic. I don't know if that's a good strategy or not, but until we are honest and open with others, we can't expect them to step up to the plate and be totally honest with us. My expectation of honest disclosure from most of the guys on this site is tempered by my experiences here, and that means I never consciously or intentionally convey to anyone that I expect anything from them. If they want to take our relationship to a higher level as I might, they need to meet me at least halfway in that desire by expressing it directly to me and proving it by their actions, not just empty words.

Are we actually available to participate in meet-n-greets or regular get-togethers or are we just leading people on without having intent to ever meet? How many of us get involved in sexy thinking it might lead to something more, only to find the other person only ever wanted the , or the cam, or the phone sex, and NEVER intended to meet in person? I’ve been stood up more times than I care to admit because I actually believed some guy who said he wanted to meet and went so far as to make arrangements to do so. I don't cam, I avoid sharing phone numbers with guys I've just met online, I don’t flirt well, and rarely venture into any kind of sexy in . I no longer drive unreasonable distances or skew my schedule to meet anyone new. My expectations have been lowered to the point that if the man won't come to me first, he isn't the guy I want to keep on my short list. If he does up, pleasantly surprised that my expectations have been exceeded!

Are we putting uncalled-for pressure on other people to communicate with us frequently? How often is too often for texts, phone calls, emails, etc? When we're in the heat of lust about someone new, we might think it's wonderful to text them daily, but maybe that other person is forgetful, has other things going on (read "has a life") or just doesn't like to text or message. Do we jump to the conclusion that they are ignoring us or do we naively think something drastic has occurred to prevent them from keeping in touch? I remember the first time I was 'ghosted' by a man (on another site) I only knew from online chats. I was gullible enough to actually think he had been in an accident or something when I didn’t hear from him for a few days. Of course, in my defense, he was always feeding me bullshit stories about traveling here, there and everywhere so I think it was a logical conclusion on my part to think he'd had an accident while traveling. When I found out he had dumped me (chatwise) for another woman in the same chat , I felt foolish, but also damn mad. I learned a valuable lesson from that ... if the person WANTS to communicate with you, they will communicate, even if it’s only to say “Good morning, good evening, or have a great day!” We don't need to second-guess their disappearances or lack of communication.
13 Comments
FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
Posted:Dec 9, 2018 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2019 3:36 pm
13000 Views

I realize that I am treading some very dangerous water here by sharing this particular blog entry, but as the expression goes ‘the truth will set you free.’ Consider this a rare rant about something serious, something about sex, and something besides the frivolous commentary usually seen in blogs here.

Many of the profiles posted on this and similar sites contain the phrase “D&D free,” or similar wording. I don’t dispute that the owners of those profiles intend for that phrase to assure their potential lovers that no nasty bugs will pass during coitus, but it’s a weak bit of reassurance, IMO. Unless you are tested immediately before having sex with someone, and get those results immediately, your previous status means very little, especially since the standard tests are usually limited to about 6 different diseases, and there at least 30 actual STDs/STIs. Test results are only as good as the day your samples were tested; if you have sex the day after, you run the risk of becoming less-than D&D free. Nevertheless, I get it. It’s intended to imply … safety .. and the person in the profile is probably hoping that the self-labeling will get him/her laid quicker or more often.

Pfftttt.

From the perspective of a person with an incurable (but quite common) STD, please let me share my thoughts.

I contracted HSV2 from someone over 30 years ago and I didn't even know I had it until I had a breakout after I became a mother (the change in my personal biology probably triggered the breakout.) Sexual safety wasn’t as big an issue then as it is now, at least not in my social circle. The bigger concern was an unwanted pregnancy. I don’t know who gave it to me, and I’m not sure if he even knew he had it. Regardless, he was guilty of spreading an STD, and I was guilty of naivete and not asking the right question beforehand. Done and done.

But let’s put one thing right out there and dispel some misconceptions. Well, maybe a couple of things.

First, it only takes ONE sexual experience to contract a disease. It could be your first sexual encounter, or your 500th … it just takes one time with someone who carries a virus or a bacteria that could be passed to you. This is not a morality issue people … STDs are a fact of life, and everyone who is sexually active is subject to contracting something, sometime in their lifetime. And on the issue of morality … check any ‘holier-than-thou’-ness at the door. Consensual sex is not the only way to contract a disease; if you are a child you are just as likely to contract HSV1 by getting a kiss from your great Aunt Martha when you’re a kid and then guilty if you spread it as an adult to someone you have oral sex with. And lest we dare forget, victims of sexual assault are often the unluckiest of the unlucky … they are crime victims but can also be the unwilling recipient of STDs in the process. So much for your moral judgments.

Second … it rankles me that a person without an STD (or perceived to have no infectious disease) calls themselves “clean,” while anyone with an STD is considered the opposite … “dirty.” This is how slut-shaming, stereotypes and bad jokes are allowed to exist unchecked. Consider that STDs or STIs have been at all-time highs for the past several years, and then decide if it’s wise to point the finger. How many people are guilty of spreading infection because they are in denial about their own health, too scared to disclose to potential partners, or just don’t give a damn about anyone else except themselves? How many of your friends or relatives may be silently suffering when the horrible jokes are made and everyone laughs about STDs, or when you brag about your own ‘cleanliness?’

I disclose to anyone I might be considering having sex with, if our relationship gets to that level, and I don't take it lightly. It is the right thing to do. And yes, it gets me shut down most of the time. And yes, I will get some email or responses to this that will consist of name-calling or lectures, telling me I’m dirty, disgusting or whatever other self-righteous beratement they can come up with. But that’s okay. I’d rather take the high road than be accused of being deceitful. I’d rather give a potential lover the choice, because I wasn’t given the choice and I have paid the price. WIth medication, use of condoms and avoidance during times when I am most likely to pass an infection, there is only about a 1% chance of me spreading my illness to a partner. I was married for 32 years and my late husband never contracted it. Much better odds to have sex with me than with someone who doesn’t know their risk factor, or worse, who knows and doesn’t disclose to you. Just saying...

Don’t tell me you’re sorry about my situation, and don’t give in to the hype. Speak your truth and support others who are not brave enough to speak their own truth yet.

The truth will set us all free.
8 Comments

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Most Recent Comments by Others

Post Poster Post Date
Early Sunday Morning Thoughts (15)Koffla
May 20, 2019 2:11 am
Jumping to Conclusions, Expectations and What the Hell are We Doing Here? (16)SweetCirce
May 10, 2019 7:34 pm