Hooct Un Foniks Wurct For Me
Just some random meanderings about life, love and the pursuit of happiness. A place where everything i do and say is right.

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Another Failed Profile Pic Attempt
Posted:Mar 22, 2016 3:40 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 4:01 am
This is the latest offense. I can't get the mods on this site to allow my new profile pic.

Edit: It's funny how anyone can put random porn pics up in their blogs, but everytime i turn up with content on my blog it gets erased by some knuckle dragging mod.
The Ten Inch Python
Posted:Mar 20, 2016 4:00 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 4:00 am

Earlier this week, Hulk Hogan was awarded 115 million in a lawsuit against Gawker for Invasion of Privacy after the website released a sex tape of Hogan having sex with a woman.

The catch: The woman is married to close friend and radio personality, Bubba the Love Sponge. I actually didn't change his name to protect his privacy.. that's really what he calls himself. The video was recorded without Hogan's permission and released by Bubba and his wife for a quick paycheck.

All of this started when Hogan appeared on Bubba's radio show as a guest which blossomed into a part-time gig for Hogan who joined the show whenever available. The partnership expanded when Hogan returned to wrestling with a small company in Florida.. Hogan thought it would be a good idea to include his new friend in a couple of television spots and offer him some publicity.

Despite the push, this didn't get Bubba any new attention, in fact, it raised some criticism of credibility of both participants from colleagues and fans. Bubba's involvement in wrestling soon came to an end since he never got over with fans and was never a competitor. Hogan kept on moving forward.

Which brings us to one fateful night.

Hulk Hogan (real name, Terry Bollea), was invited over to Bubba's home where the host offered up his wife to have sex with Hogan. Now, this isn't anything out of the ordinary for us here on this site.. to have a camera present is also nothing out of the ordinary. Except, all parties are usually aware of the circumstances going in.

Hogan agreed.

Bubba the Love Sponge recorded Hogan as he got undressed and revealed the infamous white man-thong and had sex with his wife. Instead, of keeping it to himself though, Mr. Love Sponge sent it to Gawker, a tabloid website that apparently has no backbone in any official journalism, who posted the video the next day.

The world got to see Hulk Hogan's lackluster slow missionary-style sex tape in low res black and white. The years of steroid abuse was apparent since his testicles looked to be the size of chick peas.

Hulk Hogan sued Gawker for releasing the video and beat the living shit out of that pan handler, Bubba the Live Sponge. The latter is still trying to be confirmed despite both parties not commenting on the incident. The lawsuit, however, spawned one if the most surreal moments in the court room when asked about his privacy when Hogan revealed his alleged penis size on Bubba's radio show. The defending attorney asked Hogan about his ten inch penis to which Hogan replied...
"That's the size of Hulk Hogan's penis, not mine."

Which in a bizarre way... makes a lot of sense. Terry Bollea is NOT Hulk Hogan.. Hulk Hogan is a character that Terry has had to pretend to be for most of his life. Hulk Hogan is larger than life, so even in jest, Hulk Hogan's penis should be immense.

Not Terry's. Terry can barely get out of bed in the morning cause other 400 pound guys in their underwear dropped him on his ass every day for 30 years.

Personally, i know for a fact that there are about five sex tapes involving me. I just don't come attached with any real noteriety if those tapes are posted anywhere online.
The Loser
Posted:Mar 19, 2016 4:07 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:59 am

There's a guy i know. He's not a friend, but just a guy who hangs around this place i work. He comes to my shop every once in a while to look at the stuff i have and more annoyingly, to come over to talk about gossip that i really don't give a shit about. I used to silently take it and let most of it slide in one ear and out the other with an intermittent, "Mmhmm, yeah i know what you mean."

This is where the guy has really gotten under my skin. This asshole is a myopian, who can't see his own faults and also doesn't realize the irony or the poetic justice every time i hear this guy talk about someone who actually has a job.. or worth something. This dude hasn't held a job in over four years, has no equity, no property, and no credibility to his name.

He just talks, and the more i let him... the more his low IQ just buries him deeper. He has been trying to tell me all of these stories about people i could care less about. So, finally i started asking him, what does that matter to you?

Started telling him, Hey, dude... i don't know who those people are. It finally started to work.


This guy came around to brag that he and his girlfriend just got an apartment. I need to back track just a little... this loser has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that he spent months telling me that she was his ex. She's a cute little nerd thing with a bright smile, big boobs and a nice enough butt... so, i started fucking with the ex-girlfriend thing. If he was going to call her his ex and make her sound like she's the one who can't get enough, despite coming to hang out at work with her every day to make sure no guys came to talk to her. THAT bugs me.. the insecure guy who has to make sure no one slides a finger into his stolen apple pie while he's not looking.

I started hitting on his ex-girlfriend. Playfully though and she knew what i was up to. I may be a scoundrel, but i do not pretend that Sativa is any kind of burden to me. I told this guy's girlfriend, the simple truth is.. HE needs YOU more than you need him. She played along. All i had to do was start telling her, "Hey girl, you look REALLY pretty today.",while they walked by. Individually, i would tell him things, like " You know, dude.. whenever you call her your ex, that just gives guys the impression that she's free."

That went on for a couple of months till he came over elated and announced that he and his gf just got an apartment together.

Wait for it......

The lease is in her name and..... his mother's name.
He then laughs and tell me that when he gets mad at her, he can kick her out.

On what grounds?

The guy is forty years old and can't even sign a lease. The guy has a girlfriend that he doesn't deserve. He needs this girlfriend to buy him his expensive Kylo Ren mask and lightsaber so he can run around like a grown idiot in a man-dress.

It's hard for me to look at him as a man. Honestly, because i don't want to be that guy. Before we started our business, i floundered in jobs. I am more than capable to do anything i set before me, but employers tend to take advantage of that. There have been times that I have been unemployed and depressed, and struggled to find work. I would measure my worth that way.. and i knew when i wasn't in any position to talk shit about people putting forth effort into their endeavors.

This guy can't recognize this aspect. He's nothing more than a gossip mongering old lady with nothing better to do between pretending to be a comic book hero and taking full advantage of the women in his life.
Casual Sex Talk with Friends
Posted:Mar 17, 2016 3:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:59 am

Discretion is always paramount when you end up on a site, like this one. But it can be a strange relief to let the cat out of the bag every once in a while to share some stories and cautionary tales about our lifestyle.

Just to give you some insight, without revealing too much.. i run a small business in a community with other small businesses as neighbors. When boredom strikes or just the simple prerogative i talk to my neighbors. One of my neighbors runs a nice meta-physical boutique and since the beginning we have shared hints of stories involving hot tubs, naked people, and an acceptance of each other's wild side.

I've known my friend, Gina, has some wild stories of the nude wiccan ceremonies and the activities that follow. Gina also knows that i went to a nudist pool party with a bunch of 70 year olds this past fall. We shared these stories in a matter of fact sense and never as an invitation to mess around with each other.

Gina and i are both art school flunkies and were actually in a class together 20 years ago. Unknowingly, we both left the same class at the same time cause we thought the instructor was an egotistical prick.

Yesterday, a representative from a local fetish club was walking out of my shop after a meeting and Gina was walking by. Not surprisingly, Gina and my see each other and then start talking like old friends. So, small world gets smaller and smaller.

So, after my walks away, Gina and i stood around and giggled for a bit. Then we had our most revealing conversation to date.

The secret was out after knowing that have both been to Temple of Flesh. We talked about what we've seen.. then talked about what we've done. We will both be exhibiting artwork at the big event this year and have resolved ourselves to the fact that we will more than likely see each other naked at this event too.

It was a good conversation full of laughing and i think i like talking to her in this matter was more of a relief than i thought. I am pretty sure things will progress interestingly enough from this point on, but it's good having that kinky friend that you can be comfortable with on this level.
Status Quo Gone Wild
Posted:Mar 14, 2016 3:52 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:58 am

I had an interesting conversation online here with a new lady i met on IM. I'm only catching and releasing now, but it was a great conversation that had plenty of entertaining digressions.

At one point, we did talk a little sex... it's BlackSexMatch.com and i had seen her goodies and she has seen mine, but what followed, sadly, didn't sound like anything new.

Another friend of mine here, just wrote about guys showing up to the door for an encounter with sweat pants and an old t-shirt. The guy put no effort into his appearance and even smelled a little like pee down there. This lady i met yesterday almost had the exact same horror stories and the exact same reaction. What caught my attention though was she was just resolved to the fact that this is how every situation is from this site... so, she keeps a barrel of rubbing alcohol and febreeze in her night stand next to the condoms.

So, I'm not going to write a fire and brimstone post about guys being lazy. Sure, you guys ruin the status quo everywhere you go... that's why single guys have to pay an inflated price at every swing, nudist or sex club... cause men are fucking idiots. That's why the standards on this site are left out feeling ostracized cause every woman complained about the single guys acting da fools ad nauseum.

A lot of you guys put little to no effort in anything you write or do on this site. You say idiotic shit to grown women here, invite yourselves over after a conversation, promise the stars and the moon and as soon as you get your rocks off, you pick up your stinky clothes and get out like you're leaving the scene of a crime.

It's not my job to tell every guy here not to mention your penis until after your first meeting. It's not my job to remind you guys to wash your feet and your ass before a woman that you convinced to come over arrives. But, HOLY SHIT, guys.... stick to craigs list if you're just going to show up in sweat pants and shower shoes. Save that wardrobe for the ones who will appreciate it... the other dudes who are in sweat pants looking at your crank pics that you thought women were fawning over.

I'm not going to apologize for my gender anymore, that just means that i condone it at some level.
1 comment
Durr a Durrr a Durr Durr Durr
Posted:Mar 7, 2016 4:49 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:58 am

So, the title reflects my mental exhaustion...

I work at a high pace and I work for a long time... I should really think about adding this line to my profile under sexual attributes, but who's going to believe THAT?

I have been going with the needle in the red line probably since June, and I think it's starting to wear me down. I have been a little short with some who don't understand that it takes time for me to work, and persistently calling me every day doesn't help me work faster for you, I make mistakes for you.... which adds to the stress level.

I have had something I needed to get off my chest.

I firmly believe that you get what you put out into the universe.

I believe in Karma.

I have to watch out what I put out into the universe...

So, with that said... let me tell you how sick and tired I am of running into these older guys who come into my shop and talk about something... like Star Trek. They will give you their encyclopedic knowledge of everything on the Starship Enterprise and go on for an additional forty minutes on how the show was the first on television to feature an interracial kiss, and a multi-racial senior crew where the minorities did not act as social stereotypes of the time. They will paint the vision of Gene Roddenberry himself of a Utopian landscape where there is no greed, there is no money or social denomination and there is no war. Everyone works in unison towards a common goal and everyone is happy.

Then suddenly, the demeanor changes and suddenly you're listening to some guy spew the longest hate filled rant about the current president and how they hate everything about the liberal agenda. That whole conversation dissolves as they begin the rip up the idea of accepting the truths and lifestyles of others that they may not agree with, in favor of imposing their will on others.

So, which one is it?? Do you want a Utopian society where space travel revolves around one maverick captain who sits in a nice Lazee-boy chair in front of the big screen while telling everyone what to do? Or are you more concerned with making sure every minority you meet be treated with scrutiny and doubt till you have determined that we are worthy??

Then the Star Wars nerds walk in and all hell breaks loose in my shop.
1 comment
I Told You I was Mean..
Posted:Feb 27, 2016 4:11 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:58 am

So, the other day...

I was having a conversation with an older guy, and it wasn't a bad conversation till he suddenly started giving his unsolicited description of what he thought of anyone from the middle east. Followed by his most vitriolic turn in the conversation when it came to gay men and the filthy things they do to each other and how they're all going to burn in hell.....

So, i pulled my dick out of his asshole and asked if he even knew what the fuck he was talking about...


I have been getting some random visitors in my shop this last month leading into a show from guys in a local model club. I had been invited out to perform a seminar and exhibition of my work and no one knew who i was outside of the description. I was visited by four individuals who not only brought me frankensense, mir and a three bean casserole, but were all very nice and appreciated my work. I think the issue really is that i let them loiter around twenty minutes too long cause that's when the dam of trump-talk just broke open.

One guy went off on a rant about the filthiness of another religion's unfiltered pornographic contextual filth, so i read him my favorite passage from his... Ezekiel 23:19:20. I watched the self-righteousness melt off his face the deeper i got into that passage.

The last guy just got a full on belly laugh at the mere mention of voting for Ted Cruz. I couldn't even load the sarcasm cannon and i think he got the mildest response as i just said, i had to get back to work..

Anyway, things are good. Better, in fact.

Still working as hard as ever and discovering the limits to how far i can go.
My Farts Smell Like Blog War
Posted:Jan 26, 2016 3:38 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2018 3:58 am

Everything i have written here since September has been angry.

Everything that i have written here has been directed at every single gossip mongering blogger with nothing else to do and with even less conviction.

Everything that i have written has been about how fed up i became with everyone who just loves to read about someone else's train wreck and occasionally throw rocks at the victims involved.

Everything that i have written sounds like the loud verbal manifesto by some angry youth in a John Hughes movie. One where the angry protagonist makes his point and walks out of the school gym with one leather glove raised in victory expecting everyone to follow... but no one does.

So, fuck it..

This post stays up no matter what. The verdict is in and i can't stand about 95% of the bloggers on this site.

All of you can seriously go fuck yourselves in the ass with an old boot for all i care.

I might watch if you post a video too.

On a positive note.. this site was instrumental in convincing me that i got lucky. SativaMaximus really is my soul mate. We may not have much, but we have a nice little existence together and while life may be a struggle at times for us things are never boring. Through all of this, i know i really love her and i know no other woman is ever going to truly captivate me completely.

We might get swayed from time to time.. for an hour or two, but we always come back to each other.

So, life away from the blog has been good. It really has.. our small business is finally starting to take off once i got serious about how my time is worth a lot more than i thought.

Mistakes were made and there are some that i need to fix, but this is how we learn.

This is truly my last blog post here. I'm done with the bullshit, and you guys can keep fighting amongst yourselves cause you're always going to have an audience here.

TicklePlease and LucieGirl, y'all are cool... but fuck everyone else.
Posted:May 19, 2014 1:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2016 4:16 am

It's Three in the morning and I'm not sleeping next to her.

I don't talk about my wife here very much.. and my presence on this site and blog isn't any indication of my boredom with her. I'm not a very good liar and she's way too smart for me to pull the wool over her eyes.
I know it takes a lot to be able to love a guy, like me.. and a certain amount of patience.

We have always connected on a level that has both alarmed and comforted me... in the sense that it's good to have someone who knows what I'm thinking, but also bad to know that she knows everything.. i don't have any rocks to hide under with her.
I don't need any rocks to hide under with her.

Admittedly, it takes a certain comfort level to do the things we do... and we don't even consider ourselves swingers.. lol
On the scale, i would still say we're pretty low on the totem pole as far as things we're willing to do... but it's good to have a partner in crime.

I still like to watch her sleep. I still love the curve of her hip, the bend of her back.. watching her shoulder rise as she breathes in deeply.
She's still the world to me.
1 comment

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