CarpeJamie 52M  
93 posts
1/19/2022 11:09 am

Who has got time to do the dating dance?

Entering the dating scene after 20 years of being in a monogamous relationship can be very daunting. If you are in my generation, you grew up having very defined rules and roles in dating. Societal customs and the media reinforced that the guy is expected to be a gentleman, he should open and hold doors open, sit down at the table last, pay for dinner, make the first move, and take charge. The woman is to be prim and proper, expect to be doted on, look pretty, not make a fuss, and play hard to get. When I speak to younger colleagues in the dating scene they talk about casual hook-ups, swiping left and right, group dating and women taking charge in the date equally as men do. When I talk with other Af.f members on line about dating and relationships I hear great frustration and confusion on what is expected now-a-days. Has dating really changed over the past 25 years? Yes …. And No …. And Yes.

What has changed is that there is now on-line dating. And you have so much more access to other similarly minded people than you did when you were younger. And some of the expectations in dating have changed and some have not. Yes, we are much older (and wiser, lol) now; but those foundational messages that we learned from the Harlequin novels and rom-coms stay with us still. We have evolved and there are fewer years ahead of us than behind us, so we have no time to put up with the BS games that we use to play. We no longer need to wait 3 days before communicating after a fun date; sometimes you have sex on the first date just because you feel like it. Sometimes the gal makes the first move, because we all have needs and so why wait … Waiting? Aint nobody got no time for dat! As you may remember in a previous post [post 4430567] I wondered how to end the date, with a hug, a kiss or a night cap. Since then, I have been struggling with question of at what stage in the dating process do you have sex. Lately I have been practicing the motto of Carpe Diem – Seize the Day, so if the person I am with is consenting, so am I. But, this goes against how I have been raised where you save yourself for marriage (lol). So, I have been questioning whether I should rely on this arcane socialization or get with modern times. I think that I am not alone in having this inner turmoil as to deciding when to put out and how many dates you should wait before having sex with someone you are dating. I think that our generation struggles between our old school values and the modern reality and that there is tension within us as to what these rules of engagement are in dating. Do we modernize our values and embrace equality of the sexes and therefore do away with chauvinist chivalry of men taking opening doors and taking charge of the cheque? My current thinking is we need to modernize our thinking a bit. I have always been drawn to women who assert themselves and I have been brought up also that women and men are equally capable and deserve to be treated as such. And I have been brought up to be kind to others, so I will continue to open and hold doors open for you, and I will pay for the date – because it is my act of kindness to someone I am interested in knowing. When It comes to sex … well in these days of consent being paramount and me too … I hesitate to take the lead; so now I suppose my date and I will have (at least one) conversation BEFORE getting into anything sexual.

But, the problem is, what if the woman I am dating still has these rules we have grown up with and adopted? How do we have a meeting of the minds and bodies if I have modernized my thinking and actions and am not a take charge kind of guy and she is an old school rule follower? It is complicated. So, to get some clarification I turned to a womans magazine for some help in the new rules of dating. Here are the 11 rules according to Womens Health magazine:
1. Date multiple people at once
2. Keep dates short
3. Be upfront about what you want
4. Avoid talking about exes
5. Pay attention to follow-through than planning
6. Do not feel obligated to send a thank you text
7. Give them 2 weeks to reach out again
8. Wait a few dates to have sex
9. Do not freak out about who pays
10. Both people can plan
11. Eat whatever you want.

This list floored me …. It seems as though the media is still promoting traditional dating practices or worse, see numbers 6, 7 and 8. Can you believe it? Wait 2 weeks to hear from the person you went on the date with. Come on, that is way too long, especially in this time of instant communication. Likewise, do not send a follow up text, between that rule and number 7 that writer almost expects you to be ghosted. Lastly, number 8 wait a few dates to have sex (although the writer does say if you both want to at the end of the first date, have at it.) So now my question is, at what point do you stop waiting to have sex and move on because the other person on the date is following these rules and not communicating with you and playing hard to get? Three dates? For me I think this may be the new rule of engagement. Three strikes and I am out – by date three if were not planning some intimate time I think it sends a message that you are not that into me and it is time to move on. Life is short and I am all about seizing the day.

Are you a traditionalist or modernist when it comes to your rules for dating? What do you think the current expectations are for getting intimate of deciding whether you will continue seeing the person you dated? Time for some crowd-sourcing of current practices of AF.f bloggers, readers and members.

My questions to you are the following,
1. What are YOUR rules of engagement for dating?
2. How many people would you date at one time?
3. How many dates do you go on before you decide to cut ties if you like the person and they turn you on sexually?
4. When are you prepared to have sex with the person you are dating?
5. Are you interested in a Friend with Benefits or are you just a serious relationship type of person or not?

If you wish to contact me, I've setup a private Mailbox Private message Area WHAT39S IN THE VAULT STAYS IN THE VAULT in my Blog. CarpeJamie

Check out my Blog CarpeJamie

CarpeJamie 52M  
289 posts
1/19/2022 11:15 am

My rules for dating include being kind and not playing games.

I am willing to date more that one person until we have a discussion of being more exclusive.

I'm still figuring out when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em

Sex: Seize the day

Right now friends ..... with benefits (if agreeable) suits me just fine .. but I'm new to the scene and things could change.

If you wish to contact me, I've setup a private Mailbox Private message Area WHAT39S IN THE VAULT STAYS IN THE VAULT in my Blog. CarpeJamie

Check out my Blog CarpeJamie

spunkycumfun 62M/67F  
41171 posts
1/19/2022 12:07 pm

When it comes to dating, I always go with the flow either my flow or her flow provided both are flowing in the same direction. I think there's a danger of over-analysing the dating game, as everyone plays the game differently.

CarpeJamie replies on 1/19/2022 10:35 pm:
Flow is so important when dating someone, and I agree going with the flow is a sound strategy. You bring up a great idea for a future blog examining how everyone plays the game differently. Hence the need for common rules of engagement---that way I don't have to overthink things. Thanks for sharing.

author51 59F  
130010 posts
1/19/2022 12:14 pm

My rules of engagment myself are as follows : I have never been old school when it comes to this topic. On a first meet with one of interest we go dutch. If he holds the door open for me, I will do the same and yes, check out his butt at the same time. I have no time to date more than one myself and date is a subjective word in a way. I do not sleep with more than one and if I am "dating" one, if I know he is sleeping with others at the same time as "dating" and sleeping with me, I drop him..

I seize the day when it comes to sex, after that first meet, to see and feel the chemistry. If it it not there, there is no seizing at all between the sheets.Why have sex with someone without that intrinsic chemistry both sexual and non?
I am not one to just "Fuck them and forget them" type of person.

If that first meet shows the spark, the flame, the desire along with our personalities matching and with the ease and flow of both the conversation and how comfortable we are with one another, the second date/ meet has me shedding any doubts or inhibitions along with both our clothes...

Like you, I do not play games and let one know right afterwards whether I will see them again or not after a first date..

As for a "Friends With Benefits" if the man I am meeting is into that, he needs to let me know off the bat, as I have no idea precisely how many friends with benefits he has had. Sexual health is KEY and even though he may be, how does one know for sure that his "friends" are also?

I have slept with 7 men in my life. I am truly not looking to date someone who has had 100 conquests and counting..

I am one who does not care about current expectations of others. I only care about what mine are and a man of interest I want to or have scheduled a meet with...

CarpeJamie replies on 1/19/2022 11:11 pm:
Thank you for being so open and thorough with your reaction to today's post. It is very impressive that you have such clear rules of engagement-the clearer the better I think. As usual I keep learning that we think alike in many ways. Thanks for sharing I look forward to learning more from you.

smartasswoman 64F  
35813 posts
1/19/2022 12:53 pm

I used to be a 'seize the day' kind of person. As I commented on EnigmaInitiative's blog, that sometimes led to having sex with someone who *I* was interested in seeing again, but THEY were only interested in a one night stand and moving on. After that happened too many times, I started being more cautious.

I will say that it's a lot easier for me to hold off for a few dates now, than it was when my hormones/libido were more active. Well, it's extremely easy to hold off given that I haven't dated for a couple of years.

CarpeJamie replies on 1/19/2022 10:41 pm:
Thanks for the voice of experience on the subject. I never regret what's in the past because I'm happy that it has made me the good person that I am. I think you're in good company as most people haven't dated much (if at all) during the pandemic. But I expect that to change come summertime. i wish for you reactivation of both you hormones and your dating life once things return to a new normal.

LadiesR2B1rst 59M  
2735 posts
1/19/2022 2:07 pm

Being from the South I still try to be a gentleman. But, if the chemistry is right I sure won't judge or think badly of lady that needs companionship on the first date. Things have changed in the dating world with all the dating sites available. I still try to go with my "gut" feelings though. Thanks for sharing.

CarpeJamie replies on 1/19/2022 11:17 pm:
I agree that one should trust their gut. Malcolm Gladwell examined in his book Blink the advantages and problems with our gut feelings and intuition -- it's a good read. For me the times I haven't followed my intuition has usually ended relatively poorly for me. Thanks for adding to the conversation!

TicklePlease 54F  
13851 posts
1/19/2022 5:04 pm

1. Be honest and enjoy life. No real rules I suppose, just be normal. Be interested in learning and doing new things.

2. 3 to 5. Any more than that and it gets hard to plan.

3. Not sure if I'm missing something here or not. If I didn't like them initially and wasn't turned on by them sexually, there wouldn't be a first date. Conversely, I wouldn't want to cut ties if I liked them and was turned on by them and we'd already had a few dates.

4. Usually after we've gotten together a few times. Mostly to gauge if they're flakey and are only faking being an interesting person in order to get laid. Casual sex with men my age is never really all that great for me, so there's got to be some mental investment to go along with the getting naked.

5. Friends with benefits is what I find works best. Preferably a few. It would suck if I was a single woman looking for a serious (monogamous) relationship because there doesn't seem to be any interesting men my age who are interested or available for that.

CarpeJamie replies on 1/19/2022 11:38 pm:
Thank you for another fresh perspective on the current dating scene. I'm very impressed in your ability to multitask .... I tend to put most of my eggs in a basket. To mix metaphors, I find juggling more than one egg will surely result in a big mess all over the floor for me.

Also, you didn't miss something .. I just didn't think the question out fully before posting -- I was thinking of a complex situation and there are many combinations and perturbations at play. thanks for parsing it out a bit more.

From what men write in the comments to blogs that I follow it seems as though there are many men our age who are looking for a monogamous relationship with the right person. But, because of the sheer number of men on these sites, those relationship men get lost amongst the one-night standers. And, finding those relationship guys in the geographical area that you live makes it a bit more challenging too - especially in a small town.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and adding to the conversation. I greatly appreciate your input.

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